Last month on April 27, it was Elysium III. I participated as Alumni with our item "A Thousand Years". It came out really well on stage, and I heard it for myself the really loud applause from the audience. Justin told me later on that some even gave us a standing ovation. The rehearsals on Thursday and Friday really made me miss being under the instructors' guidance, brought back a sense of nostalgia. Of course, the whole experience was even made better by the fact that they praised us at the final rehearsal. :D The whole concert was really good, kudos to the juniors, who really practised so so much. It felt good to be back on stage again for me, after a whole year. Moments on stage are magical, and you would think I wasn't nervous before the performance, but really butterflies were running in my stomach while I was holding the candle waiting backstage to enter. I am glad it really came out well in the end, and of course thanks to the alumni dancers- the 9 of us totally rocked it.
I have completed my 3 months part time contract with my company, so here I am, slacking at home like a boss. Loved my job, and my dear colleagues Joanna and Alyssa. They made my office hours so much more fun! So now already, I am feeling bored at spaces of time, and this has caused me to send a round of emails to apply for jobs, though actually, I can't commit right now, with the theory test this week and upcoming driving practicals(which I am gonna sign up for 3x/week in order to get my license asap). Still, I can't help it. Innate desire to be productive you see. x)
Speaking of productivity, waiting is driving me crazy. The deadline is on 1 June to decide, and yet, I have only got 1 offer so far. WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER TWO WHY STILL PROCESSING???? I check the status online on a daily basis now, for the one which has an online facilty. The other is even better, no means of checking AT ALL. Only by owl post can you know. Well, I can only owe it all to by own reapings. They still come back to circle in my head at the most unsuspecting of times, and then the feelings that accompany it wreaks havoc.
I have never posted this have I? It was running throughout my head right after the A's results release.
The Circling Thing In Your Head
So it keeps circling when the silence comes. The same raw edge. It's like carrying a knife jutting out from your heart all the time. No visible wounds or blood, but you are bleeding. Feels like a heart broken from love, though the heartache may be slightly lesser, it is still an ache no less. It stays with you, and breathes with you.
The pain is not great enough to die from, yet you feel like the light has been taken out of your life; your heart punched hollow. You cry, but crying doesn't seem to make it go away. Suddenly you feel some relief with a fresh wave of sobs, tears, but abruptly it stops and makes the pain closer and more tangible. You try to smile in front, but it doesn't heal. You sleep, but once you wake up, it comes back again. The tears start flowing. And the circling restarts again.
You want to be left alone, yet you somehow hope for comfort from company. But you don't want to show them your weakness, and admit you are a loser.
You try to deny it, to leave yourself with some sliver of hope and pride, and all sorts of reasons circle you head. But it always comes back to the same point where it started. You recall phrases of resilience, of bouncing back in a fall, remember others saying it doesn't matter, and for a moment you think you really got yourself convinced.
And then it comes back circling again. You know it matters, you know it's not ok no matter how many people say it's ok. You yearn to climb back up, but you know it won't be today.
You start to hate, to be angry at others' joy. Where is the fairness? Where is your own luck? Destiny? Fate? Who to blame? And it continues to circle on in your head.
You don't want to admit it, because admitting it will be a sign of weakness as all those masters of resilience say. But you don't feel like hiding it either, you want the whole world to share your pain. Which they don't. And so you keep contradicting yourself, alternating between admitting and hiding.
You wish it didn't happen, but it did. You want to know why, you want to know how, but it continues circling. And so it keeps on circling till you feel yourself suffocating. You don't know when it will stop but
You know you will be fine one day.
Just not today.
And till then, it circles in your head.
